10. The Saint (1997)
The original TV series starred Alan Partridge's favourite actor, Roger Moore, in a role that would later define his take on James Bond. Simon Templar was the smoothest of the smooth: a kind of modern-day Robin Hood who charmed his way out of trouble with his lovely, velvety, chocolate brown voice. Quite who thought Val Kilmer was a suitable Saint in this whiz-bang '90s update we have no idea, but they're probably the same people who shoe-horned in several unconvincing special effects, a wet fish love interest in Elisabeth Shue and the sub-par 'disguises' that let Kilmer's Templar slip away from foes unnoticed. Audiences, sadly, weren't so lucky.
9. Thunderbirds (2004)
How do you modernise a kids' TV show that was made with puppets? Answer: you don't. Because if you do, you end up with Thunderbirds: The Movie, a feature-long Tracy adventure that bears almost no resemblance to the classic Gerry Anderson original. In fact, the series' creator hated Jonathan Frakes' adaptation so much, he called it "the biggest load of crap I have ever seen in my entire life" - a pretty fair approximation, we'd have to agree. Want a true barometer of how terrible it was? Busted provided the theme tune. Which then won Record of the Year. FAB? FML, more like.
8. Bewitched (2005)
Granted, Will Ferrell is as hit and miss as a one-armed boxer, but his involvement in Nora Ephron's befuddling adaptation of Bewitched is so bad, it almost cancelled out the goodwill he earned with Anchorman. Instead of a straight up modernisation of the 'Oh no, my wife is a witch!' formula, Ephron decided what the show needed was an added layer of meta. So, Ferrell plays an actor cast in a remake of Bewitched, who helps hire Nicole Kidman's actual witch in the role of screen witch, Samantha. Genius! Despite this unnecessary narrative circle-jerk, Ephron and her cast couldn't distance themselves sufficiently from a god-awful rom-com that's about as magic as a fart trapped in a jar.
7. Lost In Space (1998)
"Danger, Will Robinson, danger! Some idiot producer is trying to bring our quaint '60s space adventures to the big screen! Does not compute!" At the time, Lost In Space was the most complex and effects-heavy action-adventure ever made, which perhaps explains why the studio had to pool their leftover pennies to hire Matt LeBlanc (utilising the 'smell the fart' acting his character Joey alluded to in Friends). Predictably, the original series' kitsch charm evaporated in the big-screen version, which featured an all-CG proto-Jar Jar called Blarp and wasted Gary Oldman's inherent villainy by turning him into a CG spider. Bra-vo.
6. Inspector Gadget (1999)
Question: who would be the ideal actor to play the lead in a live-action adaptation of cartoon sensation Inspector Gadget? If you answered 'no one', then congratulations: that's the correct answer, and you're already 10 times smarter than the dimwit who gave this stinker the green light. Matthew Broderick should have called in sick the day he was due to play Gadget on the big screen, but even he's trumped in the awful casting stakes by the movie's villain. Every kid remembers the chills of watching the Claw do his dastardly deeds, so naturally the ideal actor to play this physical, brutish role was... Rupert Everett. Face, meet palm. You two will get along great.
5. Sgt. Bilko (1996)
If '90s-era Steve Martin had released a fragrance, it would have been called 'Desperation' and it would have smelled of tears, lies and broken dreams. One of many missteps made by the former Man With Two Brains (who then appeared to be operating just fine with half), Sgt Bilko wasn't just a crotch-punchingly poor attempt at comedy, it was a downright slap in the face to Phil Silvers and his immaculate comic timing. Bilko's main problem was that he couldn't get his men to respect him. In that sense, Steve Martin's take on the character was pretty successful, as his popularity bottomed out to Pauly Shore-esque levels.
4. Scooby-Doo (2002)
Zoinks! On paper, this live-action/CG hybrid didn't sound all that bad, but then a little Sarah Michelle Gellar in a tank-top and mini-skirt can go a long way. Sadly, Buffy came as part of a two-for-one deal with beau Freddie Prinze Jr, the human equivalent of stepping in dog poo. The tone achieved was somewhere between overly faithful adaptation and ironic detachment, leaving the finished product about as appealing as cleaning dog slobber off your trousers. When reached for comment, the original Scooby-Doo called the big-screen remake, "Rabsolutely rucking rit".
3. Wild Wild West (1999)
It says a lot when a movie's theme song is more memorable than the film itself: to that end, Wild Wild West was a complete load of wicky-wicky wa-wa-wank. Will Smith bore the brunt of the first bona fide flop of his adult career in this quirky western that wasn't half as cute as it thought it was. Director Barry Sonnenfeld, trying to recreate the magic of Men In Black with his leading man, forgot that the TV original had charm to spare, while Smith's desperado Jim West (a rough rider of whom you don't want nada, apparently) came across as smug instead of salty. Good use of a giant mechanical spider, though.
2. The Flintstones (1994)
Who knows how different this adaptation of the classic TV 'toon might have turned out with original lead John Candy as working-class stone-age hero Fred? Judging by the movie's woeful script, inept direction, on-the-nose costume design and dreadful supporting cast, probably not all that different. (Seriously, Rosie O'Donnell as Betty Rubble? Thanks for killing that fantasy, Hollywood). Whoever thought The Flintstones would work as a live-action comedy should be stoned to death, alongside whoever convinced screen legend Elizabeth Taylor to play a character named 'Pearl Slaghoople'. Just Yabba-Dabba-Don't.
1. The Avengers (1998)
As if we hadn't already learned these lessons from the previous nine abominations, here's cast-iron proof that what was campy and fun in the '60s was guaranteed to be total sh*te in the modern day. Uma Thurman and her cat-suit did their best to keep us distracted from the turgid script, but the story (Sean Connery's maniac tries to steal the weather) was just too outlandish and the stunt casting (Shaun Ryder? Eddie Izzard?) was symptomatic of a movie that was all over the place in every respect. Still, at least Marvel's superhero adventure The Avengers will reclaim a once respectable name. We hope...
