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Core Desire Is the Place of Coherence & Embodiment

A close-up image of an orange and yellow rose

 

What wants to pour forth from my heart is that while our bodies, our desires, and our "otherness" have been used against us by the kyriarchy to control, repress, and shame us, to reclaim them is the fastest way to return to life, to welcome all of our parts under the whole of our being.

 

My people are queer people.  Of all genders.  I am actively tired of the binary, and off the cuff at least 4 of the people I am closest to ID as non-binary.  So I have been and will continue to dismantle the binary inside me.  I love that process! It is so freeing and what feels true to my overall nature.  To be clear, I do not identify as non-binary, genderwise, myself, but how I see the world is non-binary. 

 

Even before I knew the word, I was obsessed with somatic work.  Because somatic work is about the integration of spirit and flesh, of understanding not just what we "think" about things, or what we want to believe, but how our experience and desire and spirit/essence itself actually is alive and present in the flesh.  We don't need to override any of that, because the body is actually wise.  But we do need to learn how to listen.  I have spent a lot of time listening, to myself, to others--during births and bodywork , in ceremony and erotic massage sessions, when I feel joyful and when I feel terrified.  What I have found is nothing is missing from our essence AND that we are interdependent.  See that non-binary thing--yes/and!

 

Core Desire is the place of coherence and embodiment, where who we know ourselves to be in a body, with desires, with authentic gender expression, with real needs and feelings and messiness, allows us to feel coherent.  Not finished/perfected, not aspirationally sexy or rich, but coherent.

 

I would never want to be 'finished'.  Unfolding, exploring, being curious--probably the ultimate non-sexual (and sexual!) turn-on for me.  But for a long time I felt there was something I was chasing, inside myself.  Something that wouldn't let me off the hook, wouldn't let me ignore it.  And what it asked of me was to keep stripping away all that wasn't truly me.  All that had been "given" to me without consent, without discernment, without kindness.  And I had grown enough to not be able to tolerate it any more.  Honestly, I never really had, but I had to go on my own journey, through all the things I am passionate about (birth, sex, death, plant medicine, witchery, liberation, story, poetry, the soul) to be nourished enough to withstand the stripping down.

 

My life is still getting its legs.  I had to put aside any focus on my somatic work/healing practice at the the end of 2020 to focus on some fundamental pieces that needed to come first.  There's still a lot I am tending in my life, especially with my children, but more words like this are ready to share, connect, and deepen.

 

I am a queer femme lesbian. It took me coming out twice (long story) and getting to 44 to really understand and embody my desire and my gender expression.  It is so delicious.  And affirming.  And powerful.  My fucks are gone and my heart is huge (well, my heart has always been that way).  I want this for everyone, everyone who loves, everyone who has known themselves as other. 


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